Today I received my first veggie box from Riverford. They offer organic veg and fruit delivered to your door. I must admit that I was a little bit apprehensive when I joined not really knowing what to expect. But after reading about their farm and doing a bit of research on the internet about them I was really excited and couldn’t wait for the box to arrive.

And today it arrived! A box full of fresh, lovely, organic produce. It can’t be better than this.

I’m well pleased with the contents. Lovely, juicy tomatoes that smell incredible. The carrots looked so yummy that I had to wash one and eat right away. Then there are onions, portobello mushrooms, potatoes, french beans, pointed cabbage and salad.

I could hardly wait for lunch today. I dived right into my lovely veg box and made a delicious lunch. Hot potato-salad with a lemony honey-mustard vinaigrette, cooked french beans with seasalt, a boiled carrot. Everything served on a bed of salad with 1/2 a sliced tomato and a gorgeous slice of sourdough bread from our local bakery.

This is food heaven. This is what real food looks and tastes like. Great quality produce cooked in a simple way. It doesn’t have to be fancy when the ingredients are good. This makes me long for a garden of my own where I could grow herbs and veggies, maybe have an apple tree or two.

After giving it some serious thought I’ve finally decided to start posting some of my timed writing exercises. If you’re not familiar with timed writing you can read more about it here –> Timed Writing Workshop – Freeing up the subconscious in writing.

The way I do timed writing is that I set the timer on 10 minutes. Open up my text-editor and write for 10 minutes. Most of the time I don’t have a topic in mind when I start, I just write the first thing that pops in to my mind. Sometimes I start with “I remember” or “I think” or something similar and sometimes I pick a few cards from a tarot deck to serve as an inspiration. The thing is that I don’t sensor myself as I write. I don’t correct any spelling or grammar mistakes, I just keep writing until the 10 minutes is up.

The reason behind doing this is to overcome the need of writing perfect and nurturing the habit of writing every day. Sometimes my timed writing is rubbish and sometimes it’s ok and sometimes (I think) it’s rather good. But either way, the quality of it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I put words on paper. That I keep my fingers moving. That I don’t over-think what I want to write. What comes out on the paper are my first thoughts. Un-edited. Raw. Just the way my subconscious were thinking them.

So, without further ado here follows a few of my timed writings. Spelling mistakes and all. *scary*

2010-08-05

I remember when we were sitting on the beach. It was late august and the wind was getting cooler. The seagulls flew low over the water circling the fishing boat and screaming for food. The sand were like a wet blanket around my feet pushing them further down with each small wave that reached them.
I remember that this was the last day I smiled. I smiled at you when you tripped on your own feet. You laughed as you got up from the floor and then you hugged me. You smelled fresh from the sea water and your hair was still wet.
I remember that this was the day when you stole my happy. This was the day when you made me cry. I never thought that you could make me anything but happy. But you took my heart and smashed it in to so many pieces that it can never be put together.
I remember that it started to rain. The rain competed with my tears down my cheek. The saltiness of the air mingled with the salty tears. I couldn’t even look at you. I just sat there gazing out over the sea watching the sea gulls.
I remember that you tried to say that you were sorry. That you hadn’t meant to hurt me. You said that it just happened. How can lies just happen? How can deceiving someone just happen? How can hurt just happen?
I try to not remember you. But I remember you too well. I remember the feel of your skin. I remember the warmth of your breath to my neck. I remember your hoarse laugh. I remember how your fingers used to play with my hair. I try not to remember the day you took my life.
I stand by the water feeling the waves against my legs. It’s the same beach, same ocean but different day. I walk slowly out in the water. There are no sea gulls today, no boats and no you. I walk further out in the water. I shiver as it reaches my stomach. It’s cold and my cloathes cling on to my wet body. I keep walking. My mind gets empty as the water climbs higher up my body. The water releases me. For the first time I feel calm. I’m giving in. I’m taking it back. I’m giving it away. Without it I can be free. The water has reached my chin and I smile. I keep walking. I see the sun disapear in the horizon just as the water is about to cover them. I keep walking until I can’t walk any more. I’m free, I’m finally free.

2010-08-02

I looked at the desk with big eyes. I couldn’t believe what I saw. All over the dark stained wooden desk where a thin layer with glitter, it sparkled in the sun. It wasn’t a single colour like silver glitter or gold glitter. It was more of an irridescent glitter. Purple, pink, blue, green, yellow all the colours of a rainbow. But that wasn’t what surprised me the most. The best part of it was that in the glitter were footmarks. Small, small footmarks. Not larger than a doll foot. Whoever they belonged to had ran across the desk towards the window. Right in front of the window the glitter ended but I could see the footsepts continue a few steps further as the glitter had stuck to the small feet that made the marks.

I turned around as I saw something in the corner of my eye. Nothing there. I looked at the book case with an intense stare but nothing moved. Then there it was again in the corner of my eye. Something fluttered. I tried to stand completely still thinking that I might scare whatever it was that made the movements if I moved to quickly. As in water I tried to turn myself towards the flutter, slow and steady. Right above my desklamp there was something. The air that surrounded it seemed thicker somehow. Like it was denser and it rippled as whatever it was fluttered it’s wings. For some reason I didn’t think it was a butterfly. Sure it had butterfly wings but it just didn’t fit. I had never seen a butterfly fly in that way, standing still, hovering in the air like that. Butterflies fly irratically. Up and down, here and there but they don’t hover. This one did.

As I moved closer the creature appeared clearer to me. The wings were beautiful. Large indigo blue wings with black markings. It wasn’t a very british looking pair of wings I thought. More like wings belonging somewhere where you could find coconuts and lillies and sandy beaches.

The creature landed on the lamp. That’s when I noticed the body. Long lean arms and legs. Porcelain white with a pink hue to it. Along the back trailed long black hair and the face. The face was one of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen. Like a little porcelain doll I thought. I reached out my arm and I was just about to touch the creature when her eyes met mine.
“Ouch” I drew my hand back to me. My fore finger bled. A tiny drop of blood came through the skin. That beautiful little creature had stung me.

2010-08-06

I don’t feel anything at the moment. I can’t feel my fingers. I can’t feel my toes. My legs are numb. I tried to move my head but I’m not sure if I managed cause I can’t feel my neck. I think I can feel my lips, there is a slight tingle in them. I’m not sure how long I’ve been like this. It’s dark now. Last time I was awake it was light outside and I could feel my upperbody. I managed to drag myself closer to the wall thinking that it would protect me from the wind. It’s so cold. Why is it that I feel the cold when I can’t feel my body?  I want to scream but nothing comes out of my mouth. A silent whisper of a breath is all I hear from my body. I woke up of hearing someone yell my name. I wanted to yell back and let them know I was here. The yelling has stopped now. They didn’t see me. The cold is creeping up from the ground seeping through my clothes and invading every single cell in my body. My mind is hot. Hot from exhaustion of trying to force my body to do what it tells it to do. Move you lazy bastard, move! I’m so angry. I’m not the one who asks a lot of my body so why can’t it just do what I ask it for once. Once!

I see a distant light. I must have passed out again. The cold has disapeared. I feel nothing any longer. The light grows brighter. It has a strange sheen to it. It isn’t yellow and warm as light usually is. This is colder and brighter, almost blue. As the light gets closer the shadows appear. Why hadn’t I noticed them before. In the shadows where other shadows. Shadows moving, waiting, wanting to get closer. Shadows with eyes. I could feel them stare at me. I could feel them want me. Now that I was aware of them I could hear them. I could hear their feet disturbing the leaves on the ground. I could feel them getting closer. I could feel their hunger.

I can feel my body now. It isn’t cold any more. The bright blue light is all around me. Around it I see red eyes staring at me with interest. They are licking their sharp teeth with their long two parted tongues. Snakes, they look like snakes. But they’re not. They are something different. Something inherently evil.

2010-07-27

I looked out of the window. It was dark but at the horizon you could almost see a lighter purple streak. The dawn was around the corner. I hated this time of the day. I hated it with such a passion that I wanted to hurt someone. Hurt someone just for allowing dawn to arrive. This time of day represent everything I am and everything I’m not. I’m different. I can’t be out in daylight. Well let me rephrase that, I can’t exist during the day. I only live at night. I’m a creature of the dark. I live in the shadows and I feed of the fear that I can cause. I hate it. In my dreams I see myself in the sun with someone to love. But that will never happen. I can’t live on love, it would destroy me and I can’t exist in the day. Instead I try to cope with my feelings. I turn angry and try to beat them to submission. I scare people. Sometimes I even hunt them down until they can’t stay sane any more. That’s a triumph. Driving someone mad. Their eyes get empty and they stare into some secret place only they can see. Some of them get a peaceful look in their place, like they’ve gone to their happy place. Others freeze in a state of sheer terror. I don’t know which one I prefer. But the feeling of triumph soon leaves place for the emptiness. The echo that is inside of me of something better than this. Once I almost had it. I touched the light. I saw an angel. He was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I touched him. I have the scars to prove it. The burn was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. It felt like someone had thrown acid on my hand. I had to see a doctor, he said I should be happy to be alive. At that time I thought I’d be happy to die if it meant that I could be with him, the Angel. But I know that there is only one place for me to go once this life is over. I’ve climbed one step down the ladder each lifetime and now I’m on the last step. Next life will last forever and I will burn, burn in hell.
I wish there was a way to repay all the things I’ve done. To make a mend. But it’s too late now. I’ve already locked my eyes on my next target. The next thing to temporarily take my pain away. My next fix.

So there you have it, a piece of my un-edited, raw subconscious mind.

What a great weekend I’ve had. We’ve done nothing but eating great food, watching movies, reading, spending time together… enjoying life.

The weekend started with me making a mess in the kitchen. I decided it was time to make waffles. *YUM*

Hubby was mighty pleased when I woke up that morning. He ate so many waffles he almost felt sick afterwards. :S

The weekend has also been full of smoothies. Green Monster smoothies. I L.O.V.E Green monsters. They are the best! Above I tried a version with mango and blueberries + spinach and milk. It was good but not a favourite. The favourite is the one below.

This is what a proper Green Monster should look like. Green Monster. Just looking at it makes me giddy. Milk, banana, vanilla protein powder and lots and lots of spinach. Perfecto! I could live on these…

… and maybe this too. An almost empty almond butter jar filled with vanilla oats served with sliced banana. This is seriously amazing. I can’t believe that I’ve been missing out on almond butter for so many years. It’s so much better than peanut butter. Peanut butter isn’t even in the same league.

I’ve got so many more pictures of everything we’ve eaten this weekend. The food has been great

But I’ve been doing other things besides eating as well. Like reading. I’m currently reading Wild Mind by Natalie Goldberg. It’s a bit too chatty for my liking but it has some great stuff in it. Really sound advice on how to approach your writing. Not on a technical level but more in regards to confidence and routines and stuff like that. Definitely worth a read. I think that once I’ve read  it I will go back and mark some of the pages for easy reference and as a reminder to myself.

Yesterday I read a passage in the book that was about control that really resonated with me. She wrote: “But the other problem was that I froze the inspiration into an idea before I even began to actually write. I leaped from the cow, the semi, and me in a Greyhound bus to logical abstract thought about industrial life. That’s thought on thought. I should have stayed with the cow, the road, the truck, the smell of Nebraska. The idea got me to pull out my notebook, but then I should have let go of everything. I should have abandoned any idea and let the writing unfold. Instead, I wanted to control it – I had this great idea, dammit! – and I was going to make it work. We become blind and stubborn.”

This is exactly what I’ve done with ideas in the past. I like it so much that I try to control it. I control it to death. That’s one thing I really need to work on. To accept that I can’t be in control of everything and that I shouldn’t be in control of everything. Life isn’t meant to be lived like that. And writing isn’t supposed to be like that.

Anyway, I’m off to get some work done. I’ve got homework to do. In the workshop “Understanding Scenes” I have to work out what my characters motivation are. In How to think sideways I’ve got to take my 3 ideas that I came up with last week and make them sing to me. And then I want to do some timed writing. I’ve been thinking of publishing some of my timed writings as a way to get over my safe and perfect-issues. The timed writings are far from perfect as I don’t plan what to write in these sessions and I don’t edit them afterwards. We’ll see… might post and see how it feels.

Yesterday was a really good day. I got a lot of stuff done on all kinds of different projects. But I think that I enjoyed working on my new blog-design the most. So much fun to get back into coding. In fact it was so much fun that I’ve decided to take on another project. I knooooow, I’ve got so many things going on anyways but I just can’t say no to myself

My new project will include a lot of the things I enjoy to do. Writing, painting, plotting and coding. I’m going to create a visual novel I will use a game engine called Renpy to develop the novel. I think it will be lots of fun. But just to make myself clear, this is a hobby it’s not my main project.

This image hasn’t got a lot to with anything else in this post… but I still wanted to share it with you guys. This must be the best snack in the world at this moment. A crisp Pink Lady apple cut up and smothered with peanut butter. Can I hear a Y.U.M.? It is SO good!

Besides working on my new blog-design I’ve kept myself busy with different writing-assignments. I’m really enjoying the “Understanding Scenes”-workshop that I’m taking over at Savvy Authors. It’s really pinpointing the stuff I’ve struggled with in writing my scenes. I hope the rest of the workshop will be just as good as these first two lectures has been. Oh, and talking about Savvy Authors, I’ve signed up for yet another workshop, Editing as you go. It starts on Monday. It was mentioned over at the How to thinks sideways forums and as usually I couldn’t say no. It’s just too much fun to learn new things about writing.

I’m off for now, I’ve decided to make waffles for breakfast today. Give my darling husband a weekend treat. He’s been working so hard lately so he deserves a bit of pampering